Sarah blinked back the tears that were beginning to form in her eyes. Her cheeks burned with shame. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, to see if she could keep the words that were roaming her mind away. It didn’t work. They kept ringing in her ears like he was saying it straight to her over and over again.
“Sarah, are you okay?” Kike, her close friend, came over to her. She pulled up a smile, and pretended to be searching for something in her bag. She’d have to put her emotions aside. She didn’t want anyone suspecting anything. They had all seen her talking with Bro Taiwo before she joined them. It would be obvious something had gone wrong with the conversation that started gleefully. She didn’t say anything to any of the others as they walked home. They had just concluded the excos meeting. She could feel Kike casting side glances at her.
“Sarah, you’ve been unusually quiet.” Kike said, as they both entered their room.
“I’ll be fine, Kike.” She knew she didn’t sound convincing at all. Her voice shook with the streams of tears locked up in her throat, waiting to be spilled. All she needed right now was a place alone to cry her heart out. Kike looked at her, without saying anything. Instead, she bowed down her head and prayed out for her friend. That seemed to sadden Sarah the more. Unable to keep the tears bottled up, she hurried out into the backyard where she knew no one would disturb. Her heart burst as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She knew she had to pray but she just couldn’t. What would she say? How would she express herself to God?
“You’ve lost your standards.” Bro Taiwo had said, sternly, looking straight into her eyes. That was the last thing she would ever have thought of hearing from her fiance. “You were not like this when I first met you, Sis Kike. How come you’ve stooped so low to this?”
She stared at him, surprised and ashamed. They were having a conversation together when she said “I don’t want them to think I am naïve. The other day Sis Ronke said I’m too serious with things like these.” she continued talking, while he listened carefully and patiently to her. Kike had expected him to agree with her but what she heard blew her off course. She couldn’t say a word back to him.
“When did feeling good have to depend on what someone thinks of you? The other day you said you left praying because you saw my call. I was surprised. On a normal day, your phone would be on silence.”
Sarah was shocked. Her phone was actually on silence then, but somehow she had seen when his call came in. She didn’t want him to feel bad for missing his calls, especially since she’d missed quite a number of them that day.
Was he right? She remembered how all that mattered to her was what she knew pleased God. How had she suddenly strayed to being so conscious of what others thought of her? Especially her fiance. She remembered when they first started together, she wouldn’t stop her prayers to attend to his calls but now, she’d hurriedly pick the first few seconds it rang, always with the excuse that he might have something important to tell her. These days she needed the approval of someone to feel good about herself, about what she said, wore or did.
“Please get back to who you are in God.” He said, before turning to leave. Sarah wanted to talk but she couldn’t even open her mouth to speak. She was stunned.
Sitting on a stool, she bowed her head in tears.
“God.” She sobbed. “I’ve lost my identity in You. I can’t find my place where You’ve placed me. Where are the days when all that mattered to me was being known as Your beloved? When I prided myself in the realization that I had You in me?”
“Sarah.” She turned, startled to see Kike behind her. She hoped she hadn’t heard what she had said. “You have a missed call. Bro Taiwo.”
“Thank you.” She said and collected the phone. His call came in again. She stared at the phone and dropped it down.
“Aren’t you picking it?”
“I’m having a conversation with my Father.” She replied. She wasn’t going to make the same old mistakes again.
“Alright. I’d be in the room.” Kike said and left, turning one last glance at her friend.
Sarah sighed. She stayed about an hour more praying; confessing her insecurities to her Father and asking for a new lease of spiritual identity in Him. She longed for the knowing that as long as she was aligned in His perfect will, she needn’t bother about other things. She wanted to walk only in the consciousness of who she was in God and bask in that understanding. She prayed in sincerity and a verse dropped in her mind.
“Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken; neither shall thy land be termed Desolate: but thou shalt be called Hephzibah, and thy land Beulah: for the LORD delighteth in thee and thy land shall be married. Isaiah 62:4.
“The LORD delights in me.” She said to herself. That brought great assurance and comfort to her. “I am the LORD’s delight.” She was the King’s delight; His prized possession; His treasured one.
“Thank You so much, Father.” She smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes.
She stood up, picked her phone and called Bro Taiwo back.
“I’m sorry if I sounded harsh at you this evening.” He started. “I wanted you to know that you are more precious and priceless than what others think about you. You really shine more beautiful when your full gaze is on God. Sis Sarah, that’s one of the things that really attracted me to you, apart from the fact that God led me to you. You are beautiful, Sis Sarah. I consider you beautiful because You have Christ shining through you. Please always remember that.”
She smiled, blushing as she answered “There’s nothing to be sorry about, Bro Taiwo. I’m really grateful you spoke to me this evening. It was needed.”
“Thank God.” He answered.
Do you know your identity in Christ? Are you walking in that consciousness? Or have you allowed the devil deceive you with lies, making you feel less than who God has made you to be? Seeking acceptance when God has already accepted you as His own?
You can only fully walk and understand your identity in God when you spend time with Him, knowing what He thinks of you. Let your life be filled and full of His word, and walk in the realization of who you are in Christ.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9
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